We may be far from truth when we say, "I have full control over my
actions". Not all actions are results of our conscious decisions. Most
of our actions are results of what I call "Mental Reflex Actions" on
which we have little control. This realisation can help us get insights into
ourselves and people's behavior, thereby enriching both our personal
and professional lives.
We Have no Control on Our Actions
Most of us would vouch for ourselves: "My behavior is controlled." "I am in
control of myself".
You will be surprised to know that most often, we have
very little control over our actions. We are driven to behave the way we do,
and we are seldom in command.
Unbelievable, but it is true. When we think before we decide or act, we do so
with our conscious mind. But life is full of decisions and actions at every step.
Every moment, our mind is busy analyzing and making split-second decisions.
What you are doing now is a result of your decision to do so. Do you know
how you arrived at this decision? Not really - not all actions are results
of our conscious decisions. Most often, they are controlled by the subconscious
mind. We have little or no control on the actions which are governed by our
Understanding subconscious mind and how it impacts our behavior can
help us better understand ourselves and be at peace with oneself. It can also help us understand other people and improve our relations with them.
What is Subconscious Mind?
One example often used to explain the subconscious mind is the process of car driving.
Initially when you are learning to drive, you have full concentration on the
gear, the clutch, etc. You are all concentration on the process of driving; you
look at every pothole, every bump, and every obstacle. As you get trained on
driving, the act goes into your subconscious mind and you tend to drive without
making a conscious effort to drive. You automatically avoid the obstacles, you
change gears when required while you could be doing umpteen other things at
the same time. As you drive, you could be talking to your companion sitting beside
you, listening to the music and observing the countryside.
As you practice driving again and again, you make decisions automatically
and you drive instinctively. Driving decisions and actions go out of the conscious
mind to the subconscious mind.
After you have reached the destination, if you ask yourself which potholes or
bumps you crossed on the way, you may not remember as you did not even notice
you actually slowed down and possibly changed gear to cross the bump.
all that without being conscious of it.
Another good way to understand the subconscious mind is to do the following
simple exercise. Hold your palm up horizontally in front of your face. Now close
your eyes and
imagine that you have a lemon on your palm right before your eyes. I would
urge that you actually do this before you read any further.
Did you experience your mouth watering when you imagined a lemon in your palm? The conscious
mind knows that there is no lemon and that it is only an imagination. The
subconscious mind is illogical and immediately believes what is in the
conscious mind and as a result your mouth waters.
What Goes in our Subconscious Mind?
Similar to the example of driving a car on a road avoiding
potholes, we have been driving down our life's journey - a journey which we
started as a kid. There were various obstacles and potholes in our life's
journey, and we crossed them all - but with important learning all along the
Based on whether our actions had positive or negative impact on us, we also
made important judgments and decisions on do's and don'ts, things we should do and what we
should not. We made our own inferences on where the life's potholes lie, what
they look like, and what you should do in life to avoid them. We formed opinions and passed judgments about ourselves, about people around us; about what type of people are good and what type of people are bad. The problem is that
we started making these judgments very early in our life when we were kids
and had neither the capability to truly assess the situations, nor the maturity to make decisions. But
based on our kid-brains, we did make some important precepts about do's and don'ts
in life. We accumulated some learning and created a our behavioral ground rules or a rule-book.
This rule-book is the foundation of our beliefs and biases which we carry all our life.
All of us made conclusions about people based on their looks. Just because
that person with long nose and grey eyes we met was bad, our kid brain
concluded that all men with long nose and grey eyes are bad. A rule was written
in the rule-book. Through our kid-eyes, we have actually identified the
potholes on the path of our life. These
potholes are situations or conditions which our kid brain has directed us to
either avoid, or to retract when we come across any of them. Or they are
people with some particular physical traits, etc. which we as kids have concluded
to be 'bad guys' to be avoided.
If some of these experiences get repeated, may be purely by chance, our
beliefs get the support that we subconsciously try to seek:
"See, didn't I tell you so?", "See, I was right!"- we tell ourselves. We thus keep reinforcing our beliefs and rules, however illogical they may be. Just as the act of car driving goes
into our subconscious mind by frequent repetitions, a great deal of judgments
and rules created by our kid brain get pushed into our subconscious
mind by repeated reinforcements before we mature and analyze them with
our mature conscious brain. And once they enter the subconscious mind, they
remain active though invisible to the conscious mind, like our driving skills.
Since most of the rules are written in our childhood, they are mostly illogical. Yet they get so firmly
set in our subconscious mind that when we see a person with the characteristics
we defined in our subconscious rule book, we automatically react in a
specific way defined in our rule book, and we don't even notice that we reacted as per the rule book. Just as
we drive the car while avoiding the potholes and slowing down for bumps
without really noticing them with our conscious mind, we tread the life's path
avoiding imaginary potholes, slowing down on bumps that we defined in our
childhood without even realizing that we do so, without realizing why we do what
we do. Just as while we drive a car our brain makes several hundred decisions
every moment without our conscious mind knowing it, we make numerous
decisions every moment in our life and we obviously don't make them with the
conscious mind. These decisions are based on the knowledge base and rule-book
stored in our subconscious mind. Like the physical reflex actions that we very
well know about, these are what I call the Mental Reflex Actions. Our
behavior therefore is not a voluntary behavior but largely governed by
involuntary actions. And we call ourselves
highly balanced people acting on conscious decisions.
When we are driving the vehicle of our life
today, we actually drive topsy-turvy, because of the mental potholes
which we defined in our childhood. These potholes may not be there now because of the changed conditions, or possibly never existed at all. We still try to avoid those mental pot
holes without being conscious of the imaginary potholes and our topsy-turvy driving. You may have experienced
sometimes that you act in a way and then the very next moment, you ask
yourself, "Hey, now why did I do what I did?" Most likely, you did so
because of a mental pothole. You will be surprised to know that actually the
situations may have changed, conditions in your life may have changed, your own abilities
have changed, but you were simply reacting to a mental pothole the way your
mind has got conditioned to react to it.
The Subconscious Pain Points
All of us have in our minds a list of our own qualities about which we feel we are "not OK". These could be qualities that relate to your looks or complexion, or your abilities or your very nature. They fall under two categories: those which make you feel inferior, and those which you don’t care a hoot about, or in other words, they don’t really make you feel low. There are those for which we have a complex and we feel hurt when we are reminded of our shortcomings. We have heartburn when we think of our own failings, and are even ashamed to admit our weakness. There are some about which we can comfortably admit our weakness and say "I am not OK" or "I am not good at this" or "That's not for me", and have no real pangs of conscience while saying it.
Most of our unnatural or abnormal behavior is due to the second category of
"Not OK" items in us.
These are items of which we formed some opinion about ourselves ("I am not
OK") in our childhood, and then they got reinforced into our subconscious mind.
Or these could be associated with some embarrassing experiences when we
had to be ashamed of our own self, creating a "Not OK" verdict about ourselves.
These are things which we would like to forget about and not think of - we
almost try to banish these thoughts and push them under the carpet. They may go
out of our conscious mind, but remain in our subconscious mind. These are our
subconscious pain points.
When you have a pain in the stomach, the doctor checks you
by poking his fingers at various points asking you whether it pains. It may not
pain when the doctor presses at different points, and suddenly when he presses at
a particular point, you scream in pain. Similarly, each one of us
has pain points in our personality or character. These pain points are those
aspects where we feel "I am not OK" (or, in other words, we have an inferiority
complex). We go through several incidents and experiences in life which prick different parts of your personality causing little or no pain,
whereas there are some incidents which poke you on your subconscious pain
points and you scream with
pain. Your behavior is the most unpredictable and uncontrolled when
you are ruffled up on any of your subconscious pain points. Incidents in life or
comments of people around you may continuously touch your conscience, but you may
not react till it pricks on the subconscious pain point and then the reaction is
again almost explosive.
Since the subconscious pain points are different for different persons, different people may react to same stimuli differently. Whereas one is deeply hurt by a comment, someone else may not care a damn. You may
have noticed that when the same derogatory
comment is made to a group of people (or a group of students), some get terribly
upset (some may even get driven to suicide) and
the rest may not be affected at all.
When we experience these subconscious pain points, we are overcome with some
strange senses and our reaction may not be very controlled. These could well be
the same feelings and sensations that you first had when you had the
unpleasant experience as a kid, and which you all along tried to push under the
carpet and banish from your mind. In such situations, we become absolutely
helpless in our actions. We are totally driven and not in control. Whenever we face
that situation which touches our subconscious pain point, we always
compulsively react with very little control. However hard we try and decide to act
differently, when it comes to the real moment, we are helplessly overcome by that
same sensation and feeling and we act predictably (against our wish) driven by our subconscious mind.
All of us have "pain points". And hence all of us have our
idiosyncrasies. Whenever these pain points are disturbed by some
stimulus (which most often is a comment made by somebody about you),
we react sharply. This shows the driven-ness of our behavior - we are driven to
some behavior and are absolutely helpless in these circumstances. However
hard we may like to behave differently, our actions are orchestrated by our
An insight into this aspect of human behavior
can spare us a lot of heartburn about our own and other people’s behavior.
Whenever you get upset, you tend to blame it on others or external factors.
That is far from true. It is YOU who has upset you. Whenever you are annoyed
it is not on account of any external factor, but because of your own inferiority complex - because of the deep-seated pain points within.
How to Uncover Your Subconscious Pain Points
The pain points in our subconscious mind are hidden in some remote
corner of our mind under some self-imposed cover. We prefer to keep them under
cover since most of these are recordings of unpleasant experiences which we
would like to forget. The difficult part
is to discover these unpleasant memories hidden in our subconscious mind.
Once discovered, you can possibly work to remove them. But how do you uncover these hidden pain points, how do you uncover your subconscious mind?
I recommend the following exercise which can
help to discover and eradicate some unpleasant recordings
from our subconscious mind which influence our behavior:
Whenever you experience an unpleasantness, like
an incident which made you angry, embarrassed, or uneasy, just sit back
in a relaxed mood any time later when you are your normal self. Close your
eyes and recreate the same situation (in your mind's eyes) which made you angry,
embarrassed or unpleasant. Imagine that situation in great details. Almost re-live
the same moments and keep noticing the thoughts in your mind. Notice the
sensations in your body, any sensation in the stomach or any part of the body as you
re-live the old unpleasant experience of the day. Again and again keep asking
yourself - "What are the thoughts in the mind NOW, what are the sensations in different
parts of the body RIGHT NOW?" All you need to do is simply observe and acknowledge
these thoughts, feelings and sensations without reacting. You are sure to discover
some strange hidden realities of yourself. You will be able to uncover some
under-cover parts of your subconscious mind. You will most likely discover some
extremely illogical thoughts which triggered your anger or outburst leading to
that unpleasant experience.
This exercise would be incomplete unless we understand and follow an extremely
important rule of this exercise. Remember that when you start noticing
your thoughts, you may uncover some thoughts and experiences which may be extremely
unpleasant. The process may also throw up some thoughts and memories which show
you in bad light, which may embarrass you and which may be extremely painful.
You may feel ashamed of yourself. This exercise will touch your subconscious pain points
and throw up all those unpleasant things which you have banished from your mind
and pushed under the carpet. It is
extremely important that you do not react to these thoughts and feelings, just observe them
and do nothing about them. It is very likely that you may unconsciously try to shoo away
these thoughts, as you have been doing all your life. What is most important
is to experience without any reaction these painful thoughts, sensations and
feelings. Silently observe them without reacting.
This was an offline exercise where you recreated the situation after the incident.
After practicing this as many times as you can, the next step would be to practice
something similar real-time. Doing this exercise real-time would mean doing the same
thing when you are in the thick of the act and not afterwards by recreating the situation.
When you are about to enter an unpleasant situation, say you are about
to get angry, just watch your thoughts and sensations. As before, simply watch your thought
and do nothing. You are sure to discover something new about yourself. Something
deep-seated in your subconscience may surface and surprise you.
The Learning - Our Behavior is Driven by our Subconscious Mind
We do few things out of conscious mind, whereas most of our actions are dependent on the subconscious mind. They are like reflex action in some ways, but different in many ways. In case of physical reflex action, there is some action or disturbance in or around you, and before you know or you realize it, your body reacts to the disturbance. But immediately after the physical reflex action, you know how your body has reacted.
However in case of subconscious behavior or the Mental Reflex Action™, most often, our conscious mind is not even aware that we have reacted to certain subconscious stimuli.
There is a very important lesson to be learnt about our relationship with people based on the above discussions. This learning should help us judge people better and react to people more realistically. How often have you got upset by the reactions and behavior of someone known to you or dear to you? You got upset because you felt that he or she did it intentionally to upset you, to offend you, or to settle scores with you.
Your reaction to people will be more sympathetic and humane if you realize that we are all slaves to our subconscious mind. The person who upset you may not be behaving intentionally, it may be an involuntary reaction and not an intentional calculated move to upset you. He/she may not be in control, just as you have been helpless under some situations and conditions. If you appreciate that all of us (including you) are puppets to circumstances and rarely in control, you will understand people better.
We need to learn to admit, "After all, I am as unpredictable as you are."
It is said that the while the conscious mind is logical and analytical, the subconscious mind is illogical. And since most of our behavior is governed by the subconscious mind, you can imagine what will be the outcome.
I think it is worth adding these afterthoughts which are part of
on a blog titled "Our Innate Irrationality: Can We Compensate?" at the website
I attribute large part of the irrationality to our subconscious mind. Our
irrationality is due to what I call the Mental Reflex Action, similar
to the physical reflex action that we are all familiar with. Physical reflex
action is a result of a command to react before the message reaches our
rational brain, before we are aware of the action. Mental reflex action
results when the result is a split second 'mechanical' output of our
subconscious rule book titled "What to do When...". The brain makes a
quick reference to the rule book and like a computerized output pulls
out and executes the resultant action. Since we make several split
second decisions every moment, the subconscious rule book helps us to
get instant decisions without the delay of conscious reasoning every
time there is a stimulus.
Unfortunately, the rules in this book have been written in a biased manner, most of
them in our childhood.
There is a major difference between the physical
reflex action and the mental reflex action. While, in case of physical
reflex action, we become conscious of the reaction in a few moments
after the reaction, we may never be even aware of the reactions of our
mental reflex action. Hence the irrational rule book never gets revised
What can we do about it? For now, you are very right when you say "Stay humble".
I would add, "Empathize with people". If we realize that the other
guy's actions are as irrational as mine, it may help us understand
people better and empathize with them. If you think someone has wronged
you, you always thought it was by design - and that is the beginning of
a crack in your relationship. If you appreciate that his actions are
often as involuntary as yours, you can save relations.
But why settle for less? I think we
can do more about it than just accept the status quo. Where we stand
today, we are not even aware of this subconscious rule book, leave
alone knowing what is written in the rule book. But I always believe
that we should think of the unthinkable, only then we can discover ways
to achieve the unthinkable. We should look for means to retrieve this
rule book, re-analyse with our adult brain these rules which were written by our kid brain, and rewrite the rules. My optimistic mind thinks
that if not today, man will advance to a level where there will be a
method to rewrite our subconscious (mostly irrational) rule book.
The Human Hardware and Software
Paradigms and the Subconscious Mind
We Humans Have no Control on Our Actions
More Articles on Psychology by Prem Kamble
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